Two Sides of Motherhood; Joy and Pain
*Trigger Warning This post Talks about Miscarriage
There is something about being a mom that I never fully grasped until I was well, a mom. That was the idea of having joy and pain at the same time. I had often heard of this concept but never truly experienced it. The first time I experienced joy and pain was the moment after our first daughter was born. There was such joy in holding our slippery bundle of joy that we had prayed and waited for so long. And yet, among the joy was the physical pain from giving birth. I think this is a feeling that all mothers can understand—the feeling of joy and physical pain. The combination of joy and physical pain happens often throughout motherhood. Joy may come from seeing your child shaking a toy, and the pain comes when you get smacked in the face by said toy. Joy may come from hearing your child speaking, and the pain then comes when your child screams in your ear. I could go on and on with stories of experiencing one or the other of joy and physical pain as a mother. But what about experiencing the feelings of joy and the feeling of pain at the same time?
The Unspoken Pain Mothers Carry
This pain is carried by many mothers and is carried silently. There are many reasons why mothers feel this dichotomy of joy and pain at the same time. It could be the joy created from the laughter of a toddler, while in pain from their new diagnosis. It could be the joy of seeing your child creating community while bearing the silent pain of knowing you will be moving and those friendships being made today won’t last long beyond tomorrow. There are seasons of difficulty that augment the joy and pain we carry as mothers. The times when you are grieving the loss of a loved one while still experiencing the joy that comes with motherhood. Or the even more silent pain, the pain of a miscarriage. A miscarriage that might have been acknowledged by others, or a miscarriage that might only be known by yourself. No matter the stage of the pregnancy or the amount of people who know, the pain of miscarriage is difficult and different from other pains that we experience as mothers.
Processing a Miscarriage
First, I need to start this section by stating that your baby no matter how small is a baby. Your pregnancy changed you. You became a mother even before the moment you saw the positive on that pregnancy test. The hopes, the dreams, the pregnancy sickness, the sadness, it was all real and all valid. You are allowed to say you lost a child. We have lost 2. When you read our bio you will see that we say we have 6 children and only 4 living children. This is how we open the conversation and share with others that we have lost babies in the womb.
Second, as much as you may feel like it is your fault, it is NOT. There is nothing that could have been done to change the will of God for your life and for the life of your child. This miscarriage is not a fault of you, it is a fact of the world and a fault of sin. The world is a place full of sin and the death of your child is a result of sin, not a direct result of anything in your life.
So how do we process this pain? I can only speak from the point of a mother but the pain of a miscarriage runs deep and often feels lonely. Even when we are in our most lonely moments, and our feelings drive us to despair, God’s promises still are true, and God’s goodness is still real.
So how do we process this pain? I can only speak from the point of a mother but the pain of a miscarriage runs deep and often feels lonely.
Scripture to Lean on
When in pain, like the pain of a miscarriage, one thing we should do is to read the Bible. This simple practice can be so easily overlooked. We can make up all the excuses in the world for not reading our Bible. We can try all the ways to replace reading scripture with songs, hymns, podcasts, coffee, silence, shows, and sermons, but none of these are the same spending time in God’s word. I have been known to “not have time” to read the Bible, but I have time for a whole lot of unnecessary things. If reading the Bible is too hard for you, then just listen. Turn on an audio version of the Bible and listen while you are working, crying, or trying to sleep. The word of our Lord can have an amazingly calming effect on our weary souls. Here are some great scripture passages to run to whenever you are holding joy and pain together in motherhood.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Psalm 9:9-10
Romans 8:38-39
Revelation 21:4
The entire book of Ruth
Psalm 121
Psalm 130
Psalm 25
Hymns/Songs to Heal
We already touched on reading Scripture as being the number one thing we should do when we are struggling in motherhood. Another thing that has helped me throughout our time of grief and joy in motherhood has been music, specifically hymns old and modern. I have listed some hymns and songs that have been helpful to me during this most recent journey of miscarriage.
I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130) Shane & Shane
In the morning when I Rise, Give me Jesus
Psalm 25 (Show Me Your Ways) by The Psalms Project (Lyric Video)
CityAlight ~ Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me (Lyrics)
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less
I Lift My Eyes to the Hills (Psalm 121) John Tripp
Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus
Still, My Soul Be Still - Keith & Kristyn Getty
Holding Joy and Pain Together
We talked a lot about the pain that goes with miscarriage specifically and motherhood in general, but there is also joy. There is joy when we remember the early days of pregnancy. There is joy when we remember sharing our news with family, our spouse, or even the joy we felt when we saw the positive on that test. There is joy in the hope and expectation that we will see our child one day (we have a great resurrection hope!). There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone on this journey. You are not alone. Many mothers carry this burden and this pain. Many around you have gone through the same feelings of joy and heartache. I have learned over the years, from our first miscarriage in 2013 to our most recent miscarriage in early 2024, that when we mothers share our story we allow others to share their own. If you are willing to share your journey of going through a miscarriage, I encourage you to do so. There will be other mothers around you who have gone through similar things and may only share because of your openness. I have had women as old as my grandma, who have shared with me that they know what I am going through. They don’t share this openly, but will through a whisper, a card, or even that knowing look. God put us in a community of believers to share our burdens and our pain and that includes the pain of a miscarriage. I encourage you to find a church that acknowledges and loves the baby you carried, to help you through this season of pain mixed with joy.
If you need someone to talk with about this or just know a mom friend understands, I would invite you to reach out to us here. I would love to be that mom friend for you.
Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
